Tag Archives: asile

notes from the perforated pages.

Posted by

0

vertigo-hitchcock

(vertigo, alfred hitcock.)

dear you,

there is this particular feeling that has been roosting inside me for a while now. as much as i would try to avoid this feeling altogether, it approaches me by reflex, like a flock of birds swooping through an open window. its odd and wrenching effect involves no pain or unpleasantness, the feeling momentarily leaves me to be physically wrung out at times. in half-light, none of these seem real to me. from time to time, i would slow down and attempt  grasp the reality of acquiring this feeling, fearing that it would end and everything would disappear altogether.

it seems that the world is moving shed on its own without me being aware of it. do i have my eyes closed? or am i looking at something special these days? something that is richer than anything that i have ever visited, in the several little rooms i’ve possessed inside of me over the years? i found myself to be a prisoner of my meditation these days, sharing one’s inconsolable melancholy, as i witness before me what is happening and filled the void with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness.

the value of our lives are not measured by how we win, but perhaps by how we lose. it could be that i have fought too many losing battles to be safe, and all i could only ever realise in time to come, is that eventually, i must accept the cruelties of some of them and go down to defeat. 

 

 

 

a.

the pursuit of happy-ness

Posted by

0

8ad09a86432adee947806797aa19b618efde1e26

(sunset #1, route; copenhagen to stockholm)

dear you,

there are some mornings when i get out of bed thinking to myself; ‘i’m not gonna make it.’ but often find myself laughing inside. i guess i do remember all the times i have felt this way. well.. evidently of course, i am still around aren’t i?

i recall the nuances of each transpiring events and how they would habitually root out at various intensity. i do suspect that there is a gap between what drives our passion, love and how we reciprocate towards them. the idea of an emotion and logic, perhaps skittishly speaking to these passions would bridge the mutual balance of the two. one can only understand so much in life. there are many observations i aspire to understand, but i failed to be everywhere at once, and can only witness myself stumbling at best.

happiness, it happens to be an intangible noun. modern discourse refers it to a state of pleasant contentment or being swell. its etymological roots derive from the idea of ‘chance’ and ‘fortune’ or in more abstract materiality; ‘wealth & riches’. i’ve read in a book somewhere that the idea of material happiness is a very dangerous notion. one must be wary of its parasitic  nature, and in life’s firsthand shows, witness it’s degradation on the soul.

i wouldn’t like to define it, but i believe you would come to realise its affliction with time. one could only envision that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the field, which of course embodies with it a sense of truism. but this is how i find myself these days, in pursuit of something i’ve not yet managed to grasp,as i listen attentively with generous admiration for the most soul-soothing travel stories of my peers. 

it is not in the pursuit of happiness that we find happiness. but rather in the pursuit that happiness finds us. now then perhaps it would be most apt to pause in this endless pursuit and just be happy. don’t you think so too?

whether you’re presently filled with ample confidence or despair over your respective pursuits, fear not for the unknown because one finds him/herself in advance with each pace forward. i would like to end on a stronger note from the perforated pages of ‘factotum’ by charles bukowski.

‘ if you’re going to try, go all the way. otherwise, don’t even start. this could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. it could mean not eating for three or four days. it could mean freezing on a park bench. it could mean jail. it could mean derision. it could mean mockery, isolation. isolation is the gift. all the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. and, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. and it will be better than anything else you can imagine. if you’re going to try, go all the way. there is no other feeling like that. you will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. you will ride life straight to perfect laughter. it’s the only good fight there is. ‘

 

 

 

i would rather muse over the sunsets because i refuse to live along the lines of ‘once upon a time’.

 

 

 

 

a. 

not shaking the grass.

Posted by

0

IMG_1490(lake zurich, zurich. )

dear you,

‘no matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.’

the notion of distancing oneself from ‘things’ in general, i presume is something that i have grown awfully accustomed to. i have traveled with much vigor, and once called the plane my ‘time-machine’, and of course you would understand why, you didn’t sign up for this but eventually ended up as the watcher, leaving all emotions tumultuous. boarding the plane weren’t routine, it was half as fancy as you’ve pictured them; lounge and all. when pictures remained inadequate, the setting stay crystal. but often the words to describe them prevail as cloudy, and the mood to be opposing.

these moments often portrayed themselves to be rather harrowing as one begin to comprehend the idea of constantly being on transit and melodramatic at times. so i left everything behind, and as i begin to deliberate over such moments, part of me tend to wonder if events would transpire differently if i did stay a little longer. and maybe if i had taken the more ‘stable’ path in life, would i be half as happy as i am now? i believe not. their dreams aren’t mine. i do want my heart to melt away into something unrecognizable and easily forgettable.

if one tends to leave part of his feelings behind in a place, i think my time travels will eventually leave me with barely enough to begin with. you enter the room like a distant memory these days, the water never hit you anymore. it is rather cliché to say that my life has changed, but i have grown to realize that within me, there is an enlarged capacity to take on battles and be the victor.

‘ sure i am this day we are masters of our fate, that the task which has been set before us is not above our strength; that it’s pangs and toils are not beyond our endurance. as long as we have faith in our own cause & an unconquerable will to win, victory will not be denied to us. ‘ – Sir Winston Churchill.

sure we all have priorities in life, and with each passing year, i keep saying this to myself ; ‘am older, yup. but am i getting any wiser? not quite sure.’ it does suck to constantly defend dreams and aspirations, but i also regard this as being important; one has to protect them to be yourself. yes i have been alone all this time, and i am truly happy, and it can only get better. i do know where i am going, and i am on my way. the hustle and bustle of the city and light are not boxing me in, the loneliest people in the world are the ones surrounded with the wrong company.

i will keep this clear. the road goes forever on and gone, and i am forever gone from yours.

a.

.

Posted by

0

20130315_183657_0

(girl with red balloon; banksy. perth)

‘ if you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking. ‘ – h. murakami.

1703_

dear you,

i have been well these days, i trust that you are too. as life unfolds and presents herself with options, i’d imagine the you that i had came to know of, would naturally opt for the one resembling crimson petals with drops of fresh rain. we never had a dull moment in spite of the silence.

i took your word for it and pen down how i felt as you suggested. the more i wrote, the more i could get rid of. i got rid of many things. one must be wary when taking things at face-value? there isn’t one bit that is truer than the other, it is all true. your words still resonate with much influence on the way i perceive things around me with great respect and appreciation.

despite how life tries to smash us occasionally, one can never really be defeated unless he allows himself to. i was still digesting the whole arrival of this new change. the plans made years ago would have seemed beyond possible these days. i feel like a shape-shifter, constantly configuring myself between the spaces we easily forget and left behind.

the weekend was well spent. i thank the great company, it felt strangely nostalgic when we caught the filming of a documentary titled ‘samara’ at the rooftop movies in northbridge. no it wasn’t some low-budget pornography film (as it’s sketchy name would otherwise suggest), it was artfully documented entirely on a panavision 70! the ones that were rather popular late 50s to the early 80s. you could already feel that little child in me holding back my excitement!! the scenes were very captivating. it was precisely at this moment, i sat transfixed, gazed upon the beautifully composed archives of life and the world which surrounds us. we are pretty small and insignificant aren’t we? but for something so small and insignificant, we sure did do us in with quite some impact. the setting somehow felt appropriate, with the monstrous configurations of the urban fabric as backdrop, the stars appeared lost in the distance.

last evening was even better, no planning involved, everything seemed to have naturally ‘fell’ into place. it involved tacos, drinks at the mechanics, more drinks at the bakery, experimental music by a brooklyn based musician (which sucked), electronic beats by a uk based musician, and eventually getting locked out of the car park! ha! who would have guessed? what an adventure indeed! i like how things just happen to happen without much reasoning.

you would remember how i used to complain a lot about the tedious and mundane in my adolescence years, it struck me with great discomfort thinking about them now. these are but of the quotidian to many, why should i be complaining at all? i should be glad all these happened. we do get plenty out of this. don’t waste your time or time will waste you instead. i sneaked a smoke this week. never really knew why though.

i hope never to lose what you taught me. to perceive, to listen and not to be quick to judge, to understand as much as i can fathom. there must be a difference between being kind and caring. the first plausibly involved general manners and the latter would involve the mind and all it’s strong inconsistencies. i don’t think i’m cut out for being kind, but that doesn’t mean i don’t care.

i would have placed flowers at your grave, but i am afraid i could never bring myself to do so. i get emotional sometimes when i think about it. you died in whispers that you did not hear. of all the saddest words between lennie and george were ‘what might have been.’ i wouldn’t say that i am still upset over what happened. but i grew to understand that what is more important is that one should never cheat with this.

a.